How to be a Better Mom (it’s not what you think!)

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This may disappoint a few of you, but this article is not what you think.

I don’t have the secret answer that’s going to make you a better mom. Reading this article isn’t going to convince your kids to start listening to you or make your baby sleep through the night. It’s not going to help you discover reserves of energy and patience, or help you create that elusive work-life balance.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a ton of real-life, practical advice on a variety of parenting topics. But the whole being a better mom thing? Not going to touch it.

That’s because there are as many ways to be a good mom as there are moms. Some of us are helicopter moms; others embrace free-range parenting. Some of us spend days preparing Pinterest-worthy party decorations, while others hit up the dollar store the day before the party. Some of us formula-feed; others choose to breastfeed. Cloth diapers or disposables. Working mom or stay-at-home mom. Artsy. Athletic. Seasoned veterans. Brand new first-time moms. There are a million different variations, and no single combination that makes someone a “better mom”.

Related: Nobody Told Me

So instead of practical advice I’ve got something better. Encouragement. Encouragement to stop trying to be a better mom and embrace the mom you are. Encouragement to stop chasing perfect. Encouragement to help you realize that you ARE a good mom.

Let go of your pre-conceived notions

I joke that I was a much better parent before I actually had kids. I was patient, my kids ate whatever delicious home-cooked meal I put in front of them, and I always had time to listen, play, and plan elaborate activities.

Then life happened.

The reality of life with three young kids is humbling. My kids don’t always listen, it feels like somebody is always crying, and the more time I put into cooking dinner, the more likely it is that it will be vehemently rejected.

It’s beautiful chaos that bears very little resemblance to what I imagined.

To see that beauty? To notice the successes instead of focusing on the failures?

I had to let go of my pre-conceived notions of what motherhood looks like. I had to accept that perfect has no place in my current season of life. I had to recognize that doing the best I can is all I can ask of myself. I had to learn to be ok with good enough.

Related: Some Days are Hard

It’s a work-in-progress, but we’re getting there.

If you compare yourself to an impossible standard, you’ll always come up short. Perfect is not the goal. Let go of where you think you should be, and you’ll be able to appreciate where you are.

Stop focusing on what you AREN’T – focus on what you ARE

I’m really good at organizing. I’m empathetic, and always try to make sure my kids feel seen and heard. I love reading to them, I love playing board games, and will happily cuddle them for hours.

I’m not very artistic. I struggle with patience. I don’t get to spend as much time with them as I’d like during the work week, and I worry that I’m doing a subpar job of modelling an active lifestyle.

If I focus on the latter – which is so easy to do – I feel like I don’t measure up.

“A better mom would let them play Play-Doh without cringing at the mess. A better mom would make sure we went for a walk every evening. A better mom would never yell.”

Stop.

We all have our strengths, and we all have our weaknesses. It’s too easy to focus on our weaknesses, and forget to celebrate our strengths. That paragraph I wrote above about my weaknesses? Much easier to write than the one above it.

You can’t excel at everything. None of us can. If somebody looks like they do, remind yourself that you don’t have the full picture.

Related: Why Honest Motherhood is More Important Than Perfection

Celebrate the strengths that are unique and individual to you. You’re the mom you’re supposed to be. You’re the best mom for your kids.

Self-improvement is an admirable goal. I’m all about identifying an area where you want to do better, and striving to do so. But don’t be so focused on areas for improvement that you forget to recognize and celebrate your strengths.

Being a better mom? You don’t need advice on being a better mom from somebody on the internet who doesn’t know you, doesn’t know your situation, and doesn’t know your kids. 

You ARE a good mom – make sure you let yourself see it.