The Myth of Having It All
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“The obligation for working mothers is a very precise one: the feeling that one ought to work as if one did not have children, while raising one’s children as if one did not have a job”
– Annabel Crabb
Our mothers and grandmothers changed the world. They campaigned, they marched, and they fought for women’s rights, including the equal right to earn a living for their families. In many ways, they were successful. Women now make up almost half of the workforce. In Canada, more than three-quarters of women between the ages of 25-54 are employed (source).
As the next generation, we reap the benefit of the doors that they opened. We’ve been raised to believe that we can do anything we want to – that we can have it all. And so we try. We’re earning graduate and professional degrees in greater numbers than ever before. But even as we breakthrough new barriers in the business and professional world, we find that we are still bearing a disproportionate responsibility for the childrearing and household tasks. As a working mom, it’s hard not to think, “This is what they fought for?”
Having it all, it turns out, is not all it was cracked up to be. In reality, having it all seems to mean doing it all.
Related: The Reality of Being a Working Mom
Have a fulfilling career, and do not let your responsibilities as a mother affect your work life. Work harder than ever to demonstrate that you are just as ambitious as you were before children.
Be an involved primary parent. Volunteer in the classroom, join the PAC, coach the soccer team, and throw Pinterest-worthy birthday parties.
Manage the cooking, the cleaning, the schedules, the appointments, the shopping, the to do list, the social calendar.
Exercise regularly, foster your relationship with your spouse, and, of course, make time for “me” time.
We have so many balls in the air, it feels like any small gust of wind will send the whole thing crashing down. We’re one unexpected sick day away from complete disaster.
Related: 9 Time Management and Organization Tips for Working Moms
I’m five years into this parenthood thing, and in my experience, something has to give. We simply cannot do it all, and we need to stop pretending that we can. This is not what our mothers and grandmothers fought for. They fought so that we could have choices, not so that we would be obligated to do it all.
Choose to “lean in” to a demanding professional career, and delegate more of the childcare and household responsibilities. Choose to step back to an (elusive!) part-time gig, and accept that your professional ambitions may have to be put on the back-burner for the time being. Choose self-employment, knowing that working for yourself makes it incredibly difficult to get true breaks. Or choose to stay home, recognizing that you’re giving up years of earning that can be impossible to make up later. All are equally valid choices. None is an easy choice to make.
Related: Finding Balance as a Mom
Let go of the idea that the house has to be perfect, the cookies for the bake sale need to be homemade, and you should have your “pre-baby” body back. Choose what’s most important to you, and let the rest go. We compare ourselves to the ideal in every category, and it’s simply an impossible standard to meet.
In a perfect world, work-life balance would be more than just a trendy catchphrase. In a perfect world, seeking out a flexible work arrangement would not limit one’s career trajectory. In a perfect world, women wouldn’t bear a disproportionate responsibility for the childrearing and household tasks. Until we get there, we need to stop wearing ourselves thin, chasing the elusive goal of “having it all”.
Yes! This really hits home. I have such a hard time compromising on anything that I totally burn myself out. Working on that. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Thanks Jennifer! I’m the same – I wrote this as much for myself as for anybody else. We all need the reminder.
You hit the nail on the head with this thoughtful assessment of the challenges modern moms face! Perspective is key. We can’t do it all, but we can do the important things well and let go of the rest.
Yes! I need to constantly remind myself that I don’t need to be excelling at everything. It’s so easy compare yourself to your fittest friend, or your friend who’s most driven professionally, etc. and feel like you’re not living up. The challenge for me is choosing what’s important to me and letting the rest go.
Great post! As a woman on the far side of motherhood, I can assure you I felt the same way when I was at your stage. We put too much pressure on ourselves to do it all and do it all well. Pinterest perfect birthday parties and an Instagram worthy life aren’t helping with the pressure. Balance is elusive and having it all is a myth. Just love what you have in the moment!
Thanks Cathy! I really appreciate your perspective. I’m interested to see how my thoughts on this change as my kids grow and their needs are less all-encompassing but the problems and issues we’re dealing with are bigger.
“(Our mothers and grandmothers) fought so that we could have choices, not so that we would be obligated to do it all.“ This is beautiful. As a new mom struggling to build a new life in the beautiful chaos, I really needed to hear this :).
Thank you.
(Just commenting again to sign up for follow-up comments & posts! Missed that by mistake) 🙂
Thanks Jessica! I think we all need a reminder that we don’t need to be trying doing it all. I will be thinking of you as you adjust to your new normal – becoming a parent throws your entire world upside down, but it will settle again (I promise!), and it’s so worth it! 🙂
You nailed it in this post. Moms are really jugglers. The best thing to do is do your best. You cannot do more than that. Also relook your parenting style. Are you parenting to empower your kids ? At first, there will bd problems like a messy kitchen but in the long term you will have a well run household becausd every member of uour family will be contributing.
Yes, completely agree with your second point! It can be painful to get them doing things themselves, but everyone will be much better off in the long run.
Hello Laura,
Great post! I felt as if you were writing about me the whole time. Especially the, “having it all means doing it all” part. Every minute my day is earmarked for something and if I ever find myself with an hour of free time, I actually experience guilt because I KNOW there’s something that I could be doing.
I have 4 kids and I’m 22 years into this parenting thing and I have not mastered parenting skills by any means. If anything, I consider myself a work in progress. However, for the first time after reading your article, I feel okay about not losing the baby weight that I still have from my youngest child who is 13 years old. I like that feeling, thank you!
Thanks Christina! With 4 kids and 22 years of experience, I’m willing to bet there’s lots that you could teach a relative newbie like me 🙂 You nailed it with the guilt about things you *should* be doing – I’m exactly the same.